I Love Cookies

Perhaps my journey now is like so many others.

I've struggled with my weight all of my life, every since I was a child.  A well meaning relative suggested to me when I was in the fourth grade that I was a bit chunky and should perhaps lose some weight.  It was as if I had eaten from the Tree of Thin and Fat in the Garden of Eden, because before that moment, I had never really taken notice of my body shape.  All of a sudden, the scales dropped from my eyes and I was forced to leave my childhood Eden and enter the Land of Comparison where everyone was skinnier, prettier, smarter (read: more desirable). 

Now, I was never morbidly obese.  I've always just been a tad overweight or "healthy looking" according to my mother or volumtuous, big-boned, etc.  All of my friends generally tended to be the model types - I was and am the biggest girl of the group in my circles, or close to it.  I've dieted and had my ups and downs. I was also diagnosed with PCOS and was told that losing around 30 lbs was the only way (along with some special supplements) that my body would correct itself.  I went on a hard core diet, lost those 30 lbs and felt AWESOME.  My body did indeed correct itself and my diagnosis was reversed. However, when the diet ended, the weight came back and I gained nearly all of it back.  I've fluctuated as I've gone through momentary surges of self control and self discipline, but I've always been discouraged to go on South Beach or any of the other main stream diets because if it doesn't become a lifestyle chance, the wieght will just be on stand-by.  It has to be something I can live with the rest of my life.

I miss what it felt like to be (briefly) skinny, to not obsess mentally over my weight constantly, tugging my shirt down over my muffin top or pulling my jeans up so I'm not accused of selling "crack". I want to feel and look beautiful for my husband. 

So I'm getting back up off of my lazy ass and am going to attempt to bring some discipline back in my life, by God's grace.  I believe that the soul and the physical body are connected, what happens to one affects the other, so I realize that my real battle begins in my head.  Past failures rush at me like a defensive line, shame abounds and Defeat greets me before I even can begin. I realize that through this process of getting fit for life, I must learn to love mysefl properly, perhaps a bit recklessly too, if I really am going to make lasting changes.

I have to believe that I'm worth it, be willing to confront my weaknesseses.  That will be the most painful part of all I think, but it's unavoidable, since Pride has been my main companion all these years.

Here we go!