Well, I find myself in an all-too-familiar place: Week One on my journey to 145 pounds. It is the magic number. The number I prized when I went on my first date with my soul mate, my husband of nearly 20 years. It is the number I was when I played volleyball in middle school--at the height of my physical fitness. It is the number that I have written, thought of, visualized, and hoped for. It is the number that I have cursed and given up on, said good bye to, and cried over. The number that has eluded me year after year.
Funny thing is that 145 is not even "my ideal weight" according to weight charts. With my height of 5'5", I should be more like 125 pounds, or that's what they say, I guess. I don't know why it is 145, it just is. I suppose it is possible I am trying to recapture something. Maybe the way I felt at 18, world by the tail. Or maybe the way I felt when I was with my now-husband, the way my body felt in his arms.
I know I have missed, 'me'. At 80 pounds heavier, I don't even look like the 'me' I know. When I was topping the scales at 240, I didn't look in the mirror much. Couldn't do it. The thought of never seeing 'me' again sent me into a spiral, a grieving period, I guess. Then I realized, I don't have to say goodbye. I still have a chance to move forward, inching my way back to who I see in my mind's eye. Reacquainting myself to the vibrant living person I really am. Realizing, I can be that person right now.
Right now is what I've got--it is the only time I am guaranteed. So why wait to embrace the good things in life when I hit a number on a scale?? Why not show up to this moment, and make it all I can? If I focus on some mystery number in the unknown future, I am too mezmerized to see all the good that is here right now. There is a reason for this moment, a moment I have been given to either bless others or to be blessed. I don't want to miss any more.
Starting right now, I will focus on God, the people in my life, the things that are fun, the things I love and that make me smile, the practices that make me healthier, the stuff that takes care of me so that I am more able to do whatever God has for me to do today.
I am not a number.
