The long, unpaved road.

cecelialoren
39 F , Woodridge ,IL
 Unrated

The beginning AKA "torture"

 Unrated
Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at 12:15 PM filed under Diet & Nutrition postings
I'm not a very positive person. Admittedly, I'm very much a downer, in all aspects of the word. I tend to shy away from positivity simply because I'm almost always let down by lackluster results. It's 100% my error though, and I'd never put the blame on anyone else. To put it plainly, I'm an acute underachiever...and no, I'm not proud of that title in the least.

I guess the road I'm meandering now is one of the toughest I've had to endure thus far. My husband and I are trying to conceive, I have a laundry list of medical problems standing in our way and I have ZERO patience for it all to come together. I have achieved something big though...something I didn't think was possible in my never ending struggle to "commit". I finally quit smoking. Seventeen years of heavy smoking (1-2 packs per day) and I just stopped. Cold turkey. Done. Finito. I'm REALLY proud of myself too. It's been 10 days and I don't even think about it anymore. More than proud, I'm amazed that it's been so "easy". I've tried quitting before and failed (of course) miserably. I could barely make it three days before I was ready to strangle strangers just for making eye contact with me. I must say, to have so easily disposed of such an unhealthy habit almost makes me think I can do anything! I know, how cliche and silly of me...but it's true...and I'm not letting that feeling disappear. I plan on using it to my fullest power and achieving my next big goal-dropping about 85 pounds to reach my "healthy weight" goal.

I think it was about 10 years ago that I did just that too. I was at my heaviest ever, 240 pounds and I just started working out, eating right and before I knew it, 9 months had passed and I was 65 pounds slimmer...then another 4 months passed and I was down almost 30 more...I was shocked. It wasn't even like I was "trying"...it was just melting off. Now, of course, I'm older, a bit lazier and my will is weaker. Just losing a few pounds seems agonizing and I placate my beaten soul by treating myself to chocolate or other such fattening treats...thus defeating my purpose completely. Not anymore though! I'm done taking two steps forward and three steps back. I'm done cursing myself constantly. I'm done looking in the mirror and despising what I see. I'm done feeling like the fattest person in the world-I'm also done beating myself up about everything. I'm done thinking of myself as unworthy of my husband's affections or undeserving of a passing wolf-whistle. I deserve it all, damnit! I'm gorgeous...always have been...big or small, and I know it....

...I also know, I want to be healthier, more comfortable in my skin and provide sublime board for a future baby Fernandez...so, here my journey (seriously) begins. It's time to beat the living you-know-what out of defeating behavior and take control of my life. Not just for me but for my husband, my family and my children...whom I'm determined to have.

So, I begin...No more bullshit.
3 Comments (add) | Tags: Beginning, health, infertility, karma, love
Last comment by albrecht927 on 3/10/2010 8:40 PM
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