Honestly Speaking....

.... old habits die hard..... oh boy.... falling back to my old ways.... and not quite 3 weeks into January..... well, they say it takes three weeks to form one, so I guess the opposite is true... I want to thank a member telling me that she enjoyed my posts .... as she is the reason for today's post.... and getting me back on track ... so I have her to thank... maybe for my continued honesty with myself and overcoming my struggle with food.... I realize tonight that avoidance is my biggest enemy.... I don't want to take accountability for my lack of effort or investment in my own health.  I have made the excuse that I am too busy to exercise, too tired, too everthing.... but I realize at this very moment that no one, no diet, no pill is going to magically correct what is weighing me down.  I am tired of food holding me hostage and my weight preventing me from doing the things I enjoy... playing with my kids, being confident in my abilities..... wearing the clothes that I want to rather than cloths that are baggy and make me look frompy.... if that's a word!  In  the last week I have gone backward with weight again .... started eating sugar again..... I am shaking my head right now.... because the disappointment that I feel with myself is overwhelming...  but I am proud of myself that I didn't make the pilgrimage back to various weight loss programs, as I already could have shares in one program..... in the past 15 years ... I would join for free .... go for 6 - 12 weeks then quit.... yes, I am very good at quitting, as it gives me a reason to be disappointed in myself again.... so I can indulge in all the thinks that have got me to this point.... that emotional war is so powerful..... I can blame all the hurts and pain from  my past, but I need to start looking forward and focusing on just one day at at time... enjoying the moment and looking to the day where food doesn't consume my thoughts and worrying about the trip that is coming up in the next month .... like I am right now.... I want to be healthy... in more than one aspect of my life.... honestly speaking..... I crave that day! ... thank you again my friend for honestly saving me..... this is a defining moment in my lfe..... I have a long way to go....  but at least I am admitting it.