Turn the Beat Around

Arrrgghh!!! I am so mad at myself. Last night was a bad night. Apparently, my mind has decided to grieve for my mother via panic attacks. They hit out of the clear blue. I'll be cadillacking along when suddenly I will see something that reminds me of her or a random memory of her will just pop into my mind. I freeze up, my stomach begins to cramp as if I'm going to be violently ill, sweat pours out of me, and I start shaking. I can't breathe. Then these horrible wracking sobs overtake me. I try to find somewhere private to run to if I'm in a public place. Fortunately, last night, no one else was home with me, so they weren't forced to endure the agony with me. Two xanax and a pain pill later, I find myself in the kitchen. My inner voice was screaming, but I just ignored it. After a huge bowl of cornbread and milk followed by a huge bowl of ice cream, I finally went to bed. It cost me three pounds. And while I know that half of that is probably just waste, it doesn't matter. I've got to keep a tight grip on this beast that thinks food is the solution to my emotional issues. The other frightening thing was giving into the xanax and the pain pill.

Granted I was in pain from working with the horses two days in a row. They have been a touch rowdy b/c Momma hasn't been working with them in almost two months. But the motivation was more due to the emotional stress than the physical. I can't allow myself to turn to anything other than God. I've got to learn to face my demons head on and press through.

Today will be better. It has to. I will learn how to deal with the panic attacks without resorting to food or drugs.