P O'd
Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 12:21 PM filed under Weight Loss postings
(Stressed out today. Having a meltdown. Am hopeful, last meltdown resulted in 12 pound loss--A YEAR AGO.)
I am so mad at everything food. It's always about the food, eating it, preparing it, serving it, cleaning up after it, shopping for it, not having it, having it, church suppers, family get togethers, girl scout meetings, school parties...AAAHHHHH! Always the food.
When am I going to ever make it about me? I see it. I want to throw up my hands and let everyone take care of themselves, and me take care of myself. As a wife and a mother, it is hard. I probably make it harder than it is. It makes me so mad that 'they' can eat anything they want--anywhere they want, and don't have to pre-plan what they will eat, they don't have to have the stress of picking out the right thing. They don't have to leave feeling either good about themselves because they didn't eat their favorite dish, or guilty because they did. It makes me mad when my husband notices that I'm not eating much--though to him he thinks he's got my back. "That's not fair, here have some of mine," he says. Then I yell at him. I want him to not notice! And when he doesn't, say anything, I NOTICE!
I want so bad to not have to think about it anymore. But I know, as soon as I don't, I will gain the 12 pounds back, and MORE! Today, I stood up for myself, as I have not the past 5 days. Since Thanksgiving, my defenses were wore down so much that I constantly fed my face yesterday--saying, "I probably shouldn't be doing this" with every stupid bite! I havent logged in since before Thanksgiving, or made connections with my diet buddy till today. My husband called me saying, "How about Chinese today?" WHAT!!! He knows how I feel about Chinese food. I love it, but I hold water and swell up for 3 days after I eat it. What I DO NOT need this week is a 3 pound weight gain over and above my starting weight (3 weeks ago or so!!) So I said, 'I can't do Chinese. If you want that so bad, take bub (son) and you guys go." We talked about what it does, and that I am trying to start out right today. He even talked about how unfair it is that I have to watch it so hard to stay the same, and he can eat whatever and have no problem. I told him again that if he had to have it, go ahead..... and so....HE DID!!!!! Oh I'm so mad at that! No offers to go somewhere I can make a good choice, no consession at all. He just went. In a way that hurts! But how stupid! Once again I am letting food take the spotlight. Telling myself how heartless of a decision that was. When in all acuality, he thinks he's doing me a favor. I felt like he chose food over me. Like I have done time and time again, year after year. From 170 to 195 to 201 to 225....
There it is!
That is what my anger is about. I once had a psychologist tell me that we project anger towards others when they make comments, or do something that enforces a negative image, or situation, or belief about ourselves. Kinda like they are validating our deepest fears. Not realizing you are doing it can ruin relationships, even forever. Through the last few days, I have had the thought process going through my head...is this worth it??? ...is this a fair trade??? ...do I have enough day left to cheat this "one" time??? --each and every time I ate something I shouldn't. Here, I guess my deepest fears are: 1. I am not worth the effort. 2. I will fail 3. It will always be about the food. There may be others, I am open to God showing me. Like Dr. Phil says, 'you can't change what you don't acknowledge.' We'll see where it goes from here. Wow this has really been a revelation for me....Thanks to the blog for being here to help me work this out, and to anyone reading this that took the time to 'listen' to me through it.
