In search of a goal

It's been 10 days since I've posted. In that time I've probably consumed 10 times more calories than I should have. I feel guilty, I feel gross, and as I'm typing I'm looking down at the tire that encircles my "waist" and wish that I could just cut it off. I'm too hard on myself.

I honestly cannot say what has gotten in my way the past few days. I stepped on the scale a few days ago and it hadn't gone anywhere. It pissed me off. But, instead of being motivated to try harder (or try at ALL from the looks of it) I just ate. I ate skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. Sure they're better than normal ice cream sandwiches...but not when you eat 6. I felt guilty. I ate pub cheese and crackers. I felt guilty.I ate LOTS of granola bars. I felt guilty. Drank LOTS of sweet tea. I felt guilty. I went on a 3 o'clock vending machine run. I felt guilty....but somehow all this guilt wasn't enough to get my ass in gear.

I don't know what I need. I need to wire my jaw shut. I need to become anorexic. I don't know. I want to look good. I want to FEEL good, but somehow my goal seems so far away, or there's still "so much time left", there's always tomorrow...then tomorrow...then tomorrow...until I run out of tomorrows. I need a new approach.

I've found a workout buddy. Finally. A coworker of mine has decided to join me at the gym twice a week....it's a start. Twice is more than none. I hoping that those two gym visits will lead to two lmore gym visits on my own each week. I feel so much better when I work out, because I feel like I'm actually making an effort. ..because I am. I pushed it hard this evening at our first gym session. We did 30 minutes on the treadmill,intervals, followed by a weight circuit. My muscles ache, in a good way. In the "thank you for remembering us" sort of way. I need to stay motivated. I think my tinge of jealousy towards this coworker will help me. We are both at about the same fitness level, however I've got about 30 pounds on her...and my baby is 6 months older than hers. Ugh....not that I'm a competetive person or anything, but it makes me feel like I need to push it a little more than I think I would on my own. Which is a good thing.

I also have a friend interested in running a road race with me. I ran a 5K back in May. My first in about 5 years. I was very proud of my accomplishment, but I've sort of lost my mojo since then (obviously). So I think the combo of a gym buddy and a race to train for might be enough to get me moving again. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up the momentum.

i've decided I need to really define my goals each week and then check in with myself and post whether they were achieved or not. Little baby goals. I need to push this May deadline of mine to the back of my head and focus on small achievable goals each week, one fitness, one nutrition. here's what I've come up with for this week:

1. ) Do 4 40-minute interval runs this week. A 4min walk/ 2 min run interval gradually increasing my running spead from 5.0 to 6.0....

2.) Sticking to only 2 snacks per day, one of which needs to be a fruit or vegetable serving.

Any other ideas for small achievable goals would be much appreciated....I need to get all the help I can get....afterall, there is strenght in numbers.